Lloyd’s Rants

Prepare to be offended…..and then laugh about it!

Waiting in Line at Giant

Another RANT from Lloyd, this time on……….
Waiting in Line at Giant
Originally Published August 16, 2002
A 2002 WebRant Award Winning Rant!

Yeah, I know. The title says “Giant” (which used to be a locally-owned, obnoxiously priced and tres pretentious grocery store chain here on the Right Coast, and now is a chain-owned, obnoxiously HIGHER priced and GROSSLY pretentious grocery store chain here on the Right Coast), but for purposes of this particular rant, you could really be waiting in line anywhere.

It’s happened to me at Giant, McDonald’s, Starbucks, Wendy’s, even waiting in line in CHURCH, for goodness’ sake. (Yes, Lloyd has been seen at church on occasion. Fuck you. It’s a great place to pick up the closet freaks, so kiss my ass.)

Let me set the mood for you….this particular thought occurred to me while I was waiting in line recently at the Giant Food Store in Lexington Park, Maryland.

Why is is that you can get in line behind someone, and they have absolutely NO inclination to:

* Acknowledge you…..?
* Speak to you………..?
* Make eye contact with you?
* Apologize for either having 45 items in a 12 items or less line OR for backing up into you for no apparent reason…..?

BUT……..(you knew this was coming, didn’t you?)

they don’t have a SINGLE PROBLEM with SHARING the current ODOR of their COLON with you and the rest of the people in the general vicinity? What the FUCK is that all about?

Is this something NEW? Are all the idiots in the world teaching their kids, young and old alike, that it’s “NO PROBLEM to SHIT YOURSELF” while standing next to someone? Someone, I might add, who has COME to the store with EATING on their mind? Someone who just MIGHT have an appetite? What the FUCK?

Do I have a sign on me somewhere that pleads with people, “Please, by all means, empty your bowels of any gas or gas byproducts, but do be sure to stay closeby so that I can enjoy whatever it is that failed to properly digest!”? No, I do not. For one thing, it would be a big goddam sign. For another thing, GO WIPE.

Although it is sneaky and downright rude, the silent ones are actually a preference. Why? Well, there are two schools of thought on this, but my thinking is such:

You’ve already offended my sense of smell. My nose is now a virtual warehouse for every odor that was, until very recently, swimming around your insides. It’s TRUE! (People, the only reason you SMELL this stuff is that it was RELEASED outside into the air from the evacuating anal canal of someone you probably don’t even KNOW. Think about THAT the next time you just smile embarrassingly at the offender.)

So, that being the case, and trying my damndest not to heave from all the visuality an ODOR can bring, why offend me MORE by putting the sound in my ears? I mean some of the sounds are not all that bad, but the ones which SOUND wet and therefore ARE wet make me just want to toss you a roll of paper towels and leave….because when I become alerted to the fact that someone in my general area has just shit themselves, my immediate instinct is to want to leave.

[Actual thought process: “Hmmmmm….that sound. Why, someone close by has just shit all over themselves. Best I leave the area before they get any on ME. Goodbye.”]

Now, many of you will say that the sound acts as a warning to leave before the smell hits you. Maybe true, but if I am intent on standing my ground firmly, I’m gonna get hit with both anyway. If I’m buying a pack of smokes, you’re gonna have to do better than a day-old-burrito blast to pry tobacco from my hands.

Speaking of which…….

((Chevy Chase, Maryland, home to commies, bastards and other stupid idiots a la Montgomery County Maryland, recently tried to enact legislation to ban cigarette smoking in public. NOT public places, folks – PUBLIC.

It would have been illegal to smoke ANYWHERE except in your home.

The measure was hotly contested and defeated, at least in part because one of the bill’s sponsors (and the Mayor of Friendship Heights) apparently had a penchant for sucking the cocks of adolescent boys at Washington’s National Cathedral.

Not my point here though it’s tempting. VERY tempting. Perhaps a future rant? Okay…..

Montgomery County Maryland, not to be outdone as the least likely place to found a brain trust, attempted legislation aimed at enabling it’s denizens to complain and have fines levied on their neighbors if Cigarette Smoke should waft onto their property, courtesy of mother-fucking-nature. That bill was also smacked down within hours of it’s passage.))

Here’s the point, gang:

This is going to continue, this over-legislation of our personal lives, until someone puts a stop to it, and we all have to start by fighting back. The next time you’re out in public and someone cracks one within the zone of your nose, without so much as an ‘oops’, PLEASE light up a smoke and shove it in their ass!

Just watch out for the methane…..I understand it can be explosive.

Until next time, kiddies……..

Lloyd

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March 1, 2009 - Posted by | Lloyd's Rants |

2 Comments »

  1. […] I don’t understand many of them.  Some folks don’t even react.  They don’t blink, they don’t move, nothing.  And you KNOW they heard it.  You people already know how I feel about farts. […]

    Pingback by The Pooter « Lloyd’s Rants | December 15, 2008 | Reply

  2. […] I don’t understand many of them.  Some folks don’t even react.  They don’t blink, they don’t move, nothing.  And you KNOW they heard it.  You people already know how I feel about farts. […]

    Pingback by Lloyd’s Rants » The Pooter | March 1, 2009 | Reply


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