Lloyd’s Rants

Prepare to be offended…..and then laugh about it!

And now for a little blasphemy, Billy Mays Style!


Billy Mays is my Shepherd

Billy Mays is my Shepherd, I shall not want (a Shamwow).

He maketh me buy stuff I never knew I needed:

He leadeth me to find my credit card numbers and to call now.

He restoreth the colors to my laundry:

He leadeth me down the path to needing a “Clean House” for his clients’ sake.

Yea, though I surf through the valley of 3AM television,
I will fear no spills, for he giveth me Zorbeez;

His beard and his voice, they comfort me and keep me awake.

He preparest Big City Sliders for me in the presence of Jenny Craig,

He maketh my head to spin and bid me to wait, for there’s more; my mailbox runneth over.

Surely goodness and bargains shall lure me in during his reruns,
and I will walk on his Impact Gels forever.


No man is an island, and Billy had a lot of amazing people behind him as he set out to take over our world. We miss you, Billy, and wish there was even more!

Our thoughts go out to @ArwenAnaNg, @KingSully and @YoungBillyMays as they embark on Season 2 of The Pitchmen!


September 5, 2009 Posted by | Advertising, Billy Mays, Celebrities, Comedy, Funny, Infomercials, Lloyd's Rants, Pitchmen, Television | , , | Leave a comment

This is totally rufus!

I do so hope this gets approved, after all the hullabaloo.  Yes, I said hullaballoo.  Deal with it.  Updated below!


Whatcha think?  I do hope Lloyd doesn’t mind.

Mobi Continue reading

March 29, 2009 Posted by | Funny, Hollywood, Lloyd's Rants, Seth Rogen, Technology, Twitter, Urban Dictionary | , , , , | 1 Comment

Original @realSethRogen Twit Identified


Staten Island, NY (TMT) –  It’s drizzling in the early morning hours of March 28.  People in this neighborhood are sleeping off the revelry of Friday night, having been out partying the night before.

But not “Seth Rogen”.  He stayed home last night and played games with a collective 25,000 Twitter users as he continued the weeks-long charade of impersonating Television and Movie actor Seth Rogen via Twitter.

It all started like most internet impersonation stories – somebody posing as somebody rather famous for kicks, but if you dig a little deeper, their downfall was a lack of understanding how Twitter works behind the scenes, and good old-fashioned self promotion for their own business.

Before we get into details, consider for a moment:

If you’re new to this saga, you may need a refresher course.  Go ahead and read, we’ll wait. Continue reading

March 29, 2009 Posted by | Celebrities, Lloyd's Rants, Prank, Seth Rogen, Technology, Twitter, Uncategorized | , , , | 13 Comments

Breaking News – Franco Still Dead, Rogen Not Tweeting


It’s true.  I hate to disappoint millions of you, but Generalissimo Francisco Franco is STILL dead.

Now, on to disappoint a couple thousand others…….

There’s been a lot of flutter online the last two days about the shenanigans going on with the @realSethRogen Twitter ID.  Hopefully this FAQ will clear things up for everyone.

Update 3/28/2009: @Seth_Rogen is the latest Seth Rogen fake Twitter account – he’s also not real, but it SURE shows us all how gullible folks can be.  Same guy as from before, and we actually have a pretty good idea who’s behind it.  Hint:  It’s not Seth Rogen.

Continue reading

March 27, 2009 Posted by | Celebrities, Comedy, Funny, Hollywood, Jonah Hill, Lloyd's Rants, Prank, Seth Rogen, Technology, Twitter, video | , , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

Waiting in Line at Giant

Another RANT from Lloyd, this time on……….
Waiting in Line at Giant
Originally Published August 16, 2002
A 2002 WebRant Award Winning Rant!

Yeah, I know. The title says “Giant” (which used to be a locally-owned, obnoxiously priced and tres pretentious grocery store chain here on the Right Coast, and now is a chain-owned, obnoxiously HIGHER priced and GROSSLY pretentious grocery store chain here on the Right Coast), but for purposes of this particular rant, you could really be waiting in line anywhere.

It’s happened to me at Giant, McDonald’s, Starbucks, Wendy’s, even waiting in line in CHURCH, for goodness’ sake. (Yes, Lloyd has been seen at church on occasion. Fuck you. It’s a great place to pick up the closet freaks, so kiss my ass.) Continue reading

March 1, 2009 Posted by | Lloyd's Rants | | 2 Comments

Wal-Mart Sucks, Part 1

Another RANT from Lloyd, this time on…….

Originally Published December 17, 2004

Well December is in the air, and it smells like shit to me. Merry Fucking Christmas and HoHo, ho.

I hate Wal-Mart. I mean I can’t even stand to say the fucking name, so herein I’ll refer to it as Wallyworld. Mostly because I hate to type hyphens. Continue reading

February 28, 2009 Posted by | Lloyd's Rants | | 1 Comment

Waiting in Line at Starbucks

Another Rant from Lloyd

This time on……Waiting in Line at Starbucks

Okay, everyone knows that Lloyd absolutely hates and despises YUPPIES.

Fabulously beautiful people, extremely self-centered, full of themselves, consumer-driven, baseball cap on backwards, bald by choice men, obnoxious and a shame to waste the oxygen on them bunch of motherfuckers that they are, they did have one good idea: Starbucks. NO, this does not make up for the fact that most of them are criminal cocksucker businessmen, driven to remove your hard earned money from your pocket via your anus. But the coffee’s good. Continue reading

February 28, 2009 Posted by | Lloyd's Rants | Leave a comment

Shut up and Drive!

Another RANT from Lloyd, this time on……….

Cell Phones and Driving

I’ve really, really had enough of this bullshit about driving and using a cellular telephone. Most people I know barely have enough intellect to operate a motor vehicle, let alone try and hold a conversation while driving. There is absolutely NO GOOD REASON why those of us who DO possess such faculties cannot do both at the same time. Continue reading

February 28, 2009 Posted by | Lloyd's Rants | 1 Comment

Supreme Court Denies Obama Birth Certificate Lawsuit

Following the recent denial by the U.S. Supreme Court in the Obama Birth Certificate lawsuit, the President-Elect can now invite his extended family to next month’s Inauguration.

Anyone know how to get to Pennsylvania Avenue?

Anyone know how to get to Pennsylvania Avenue?

December 11, 2008 Posted by | Comedy, Funny, Hussein, Inauguration, Lloyd's Rants, obama, Politics, Rants, Satire | , , , , , , | 2 Comments

My Vote

November 4, 2008 Posted by | election, Funny, Lloyd's Rants, Politics | , | Leave a comment